Obligatory Birthday Post: Reasons I Cannot Possibly Be an Adult

"Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them." - Dr. Seuss

It's THAT time of year again. THAT time where I count my gray hairs and judge how close I am to the Stacy London Stripe. THAT time where I peer into the mirror and count the fine lines piling up under my eyes. Speaking of under my eyes, it's also THAT time where I notice just how dark and puffy they can be the morning after one too many glasses of wine on a Wednesday.

The offending gray hairs, as mentioned above.

Yes, it's THAT time where I can say officially say I've survived another hectic year on this earth. December 10. My birthday.

My birthday came swiftly this year. Like those gray hairs and fine lines, she crept up on me suddenly and without warning.

"HEY BITCH! You're way closer to 30 than last year. Just thought I'd remind you!" she screams in a thick Brooklyn accent, her voice hoarse from too many cigarettes, face puffy from too much vodka, skin leathery from too many years in the Florida sun. She screams this reminder to me out of the right side of her mouth only, squinting and slurring slightly, almost as if she's had a stroke. But she's probably just drunk.

Yes, I personify my birthday as a frightening, middle aged Floridian transplanted from her native New York. Why? Because I'm afraid of getting older. I'm afraid of having responsibilities and I'm afraid of not having the appropriate responsibilities. I'm afraid of moving forward and I'm afraid of falling behind. I'M JUST AFRAID, OK?!

Basically, I just don't think I can be an adult. It makes no sense. I do things on a daily basis to prove that I cannot be an adult. So, in protest, I have made a list of reasons that I cannot possibly be an adult.

Reasons I Cannot Possibly Be an Adult

1. I had Fritos for breakfast this morning (and I sent a SnapChat to prove it).
2. I cannot wait the 2 minutes it would take for my scalding soup to cool before spooning it into my mouth and searing all my taste buds. 
3. My mother still makes my chiropractor appointments for me.
4. I am not required to bring significant food items to family gatherings. If I am, I'm told to bring a bag of chips or a small appetizer that will inevitably be picked up from the pre-made section of the deli and is under $10.
5. I still like pop music. I prefer the Top 40 station. Also on that note, I relate really well to Taylor Swift's earlier music (think Fifteen from the Fearless album).
6. My favorite food is the same as any American kid's: pizza. Bonus: I consider it a balanced meal because it contains all the food groups found on the 1990s version of the Food Pyramid.
7. I am up on all the hip lingo the kids are using these days. Why, just yesterday I learned what it means to be a "trill ass" individual. Trill ass = both true and real. Trill. Get it?
8. I have a crush on Nick Jonas and I don't feel one bit bad about it.
9. I do not know how to behave appropriately in fancy hotels.
10. My sense of humor is juvenile. I crack myself up when I do ridiculous voices, impersonations, and act plain old silly and stupid. Like a 5 year old.

All for now, more to come.

-A