Preface: I no longer have an active Bumble account. Why you ask? Because dating is literally THE WORST. And putting yourself out there nowadays is pretty dang terrifying.
So what brings us to this post, you ask? Well, a few months ago, Elite Daily accepted me as a contributing author and I was all like, "OMG! Best thing ever!! I'm going to write a viral post and be rich and famous!" Six months later and they haven't accepted any of the two million (okay, two) that I submitted, so I'm going rogue and posting this one here for your reading pleasure.
This post makes me very vulnerable and probably opens me up to some criticism, but hey. Haters gonna hate and YOLO and all that stuff, amiright?!
I hate being single. Really, I do. Which is why I recently found myself searching for love on Bumble post-breakup. I spent a lot of time (read: 30 minutes) crafting what I thought to be a concise, enticing-but-not-slutty bio and pairing it with only my most perfectly edited selfies.
"Likes: yoga, hiking, beaches, animals, pizza, wine, writing, family and friends. I'm a classic type A, honest to a fault, and sometimes a bit stubborn. I've been told I'm fun and a good friend :) raised in Rhode Island, transplanted to SC."
Pretty good, right?! Not to toot my own horn but... wait.
Who am I fooling here, honestly? Because I sure as hell am not fooling myself. Here's what my Bumble bio should actually say to really get across what it's like to date me.
"I really love pizza. So all you need to do is feed me pizza and tell me I'm pretty to make this work out. But also tell me how smart and funny I am because I'm not just a pretty face!
Seriously if you're not going to actually take me out on a nice date, don't even bother. Also, if there's a dog in your profile picture, he or she better be coming on our date because that's 50% of the reason I'm swiping right on you.
I have a lot of goals in my life, like being a stay-at-home MILF who finds meaning and purpose in life through volunteerism. But also being a totally independent woman who don't need no man to complete her.
I get pretty insecure, so please don't tell me how hot 'your girl' Selena Gomez is. I know, her boobs are way bigger than mine. I don't need to be reminded.
I'm also guaranteed to read into every word you say far more than you ever intended me to, so choose your words carefully. Like seriously if I ask you how you are and you say 'fine,' I'm going to be overly concerned that we're breaking up (and probably we're not even officially together yet).
I really care about and spend a lot of time with my friends. And that is absolutely not something I am willing to sacrifice so I suggest you make like the Spice Girls and 'get with my friends.' (But not like that, please don't hook up with my friends. Did I mention I'm insecure?)
I also really like wine. I like wine so much that sometimes I drink way too much and will probably come on to you way harder than you expected. If we're not together when this happens, I'm probably going to text you inappropriate things which you may or may not like.
I have two younger brothers, and they're both probably going to hate you because they hate everyone I date.
I really love hot yoga! This does not mean that I want you to use me for my sexy yogic flexibility. Although I suppose that could be fun once we really get to know one another.
Did I mention how much I love pizza?
I'm really terrible at talking about my feelings. Either I bottle them all up until I explode or I let them all out for the world to see. Hope you like variety!!
What I'm looking for in a man isn't much; just that he be taller than me, gainfully employed, emotionally available, looks like Chris Hemsworth, is willing to listen to me complain about life without trying to fix everything, but also know exactly when I do need him to try and fix something, he won't judge me when I inevitably drink too much and say something stupid, and also think I'm the hottest thing alive."
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